rowan tree blossom


When you’ve got cancer certain things, ideas, mind set, call it what you will, change. I mean if you’re going to die there’s no need to care about social mores, public opinion, any of that lot any more. After all when people get round to catching up with you it’s probably too late or at least you’re on your death bed. I think I’d like to die laughing, especially if I’d got the better of certain bastards first.

Just think of the scores you could settle, never mind the egg you could leave on some faces. There are eight particular faces I intend to coat with something nasty and as publicly as possible. It’s a thought, a mind picture that keeps me from giving up and giving in through the foul hours of treatment and the bland medical statements.

I’ve had second thoughts though about mere egg on faces. It was that getting better part. You know it’s not looking hopeful when eyes never meet yours and even you can see, on those obscure black and grey scan pictures, that the secondary tumours haven’t shrunk. And, after the words the oncologist couldn’t bring himself to say, just that he was going to abandon the treatment because ‘Really Mrs. Salmon, it just wasn’t working and well, perhaps I would like time to....’ Amazing isn’t it how all of a sudden the medics stop using your first name and distance themselves at a time when you need first names, warm hugs and close personal touches. They are the first people you have to deal with who show you that dying is contagious and no one wants to catch it. We do crazy things to the dying. On my own now all I can do is pump up my immune system, recover for a couple of weeks and plan.             

That list of eight might grow. I’ve actually been sitting down and composing a list of people to deal with, people who shouldn’t have the length of life I‘ve been denied.  For a brief insane moment I seriously wonder if I can rid the world of a few dangerous pests. You have to laugh. I chuckle. Well honestly, it’s murder I’m contemplating, murder, taking someone’s God given life! ‘Thou shalt not kill’ is one of the commandments I believe in. You don’t chuck out these culturally ingrained edicts lightly but you do think about them when you find that you, who have lived a blameless life, will be dead shortly and dead without tasting any of those honestly earned rewards you’ve really deserved. For me, when I see those eight bastards enjoying things I would like to enjoy and doing it at my expense then I think hard about them, their ill gotten gains, and what my son and daughter have been cheated of.